Anticipation is a strange emotion. I could even say , that sometimes it is a masochistic emotion. You keep looking forward to what is round the bend rarely realizing that what is around you , is what you were waiting for a while back. You keep trying to run faster to catch that elusive carrot that keeps dangling in front of you, never stopping to think that the gap never closes.
Some people die dreaming of their carrot, some decided to stop very early in the game. I fall somewhere in between. To me the future as I wanted it was startlingly clear, while the present was a blur. I have been chasing the carrot for as long as I can remember.
Marriage brought my mad race to a sudden halt! My pulse is racing with fear, why did I decide to stop now ! I was so close to catching it! run , I order my feet, but they refuse.I can see the carrot disappear in a puff of smoke far ahead. I am disoriented. I have lost my focus and I no longer know what to do. As if awakening from a deep slumber I look around.
Where am I?
Without realizing it , I have catapulted myself into a life of psychedelic colors. The range of emotions I can feel have painted the masterpiece of my life. I am no longer numb. I feel love, laughter, passion, enthusiasm, wickedness, control , care, abandon , boundaries , affection , satisfaction , fatigue , desperation , sorrow , childish enjoyment and much more beyond definition.
Do all the positive and negative balance out and leave me without gaining anything? No. I have never wanted a “happy” life. I have always wanted a “memorable” life and a “rich” one.
If emotions were coins, I would say marriage has given me the Midas touch.
And I wouldn’t trade it for all the carrots in the world…..hmmm maybe if halwa was made ….NO!
Stop. Resume Play.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
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