when consideration crosses over to calculation.......

As far as I can remember we have been taught to be tactful and diplomatic.I remember parents admonishing us when we used to say something along the lines of "there is too much salt in this dish" at someone else's house.We were always advised to control our tongue and be as polite as could be. bring up honesty? and the response is "what's that got to do with anything??''....We are conditioned to believe that we need to be as nice as possible.Always aim to not hurt the other person. Ofcourse these situations are always with people with whom you needed to maintain the distance of formality. The general convention was that you can blab all you want with ones who are close to you, but shut up with the rest.

Though the basic concept is good, we are humans. and tend to take things to extremes. And thus while trying to follow the above concept we manage to reach the two extremes of taking our close ones for granted and hurting them and putting others on a pedestal and glorifying them.

Now since the people who are close to us generally do the same it works out in the end and every one bounces back.

But the other scenario is slightly more complicated. While it works great on a short term , where you praise the other person and leave him/her feeling an ego boost, while you have lost nothing, and gained his/her goodwill.

But longterm????? can you imagine what would happen? You are diplomatic and you say all the right things.....the other person believes that facade of you.....and responds equally...you believe that facade.....slowly over time the pleasantness starts to wear and tear....the rotten part of your persona wants to come out and snap....you have him on a leash....he tugs and pulls at the leash and you start to lose control....suddenly when you least expect it,he jumps out and barks.... you pull the leash but its too late...the other person has got a glimpse into the real you.....you try and add layers of diplomacy to cover that one stupid bark......try to fool the other person

as this random cycle continues, as it is bound to...over the years....your persona in the other persons eyes becomes a mix of honey and pepper.....of wagging tails and barks and bites.....that person doesn't know what to expect.....so he has to always be on a watch ..... calculate his every word.....and the driving power is not "consideration" any more....but self preservation....

now if only we had stuck to honesty? whats the worst that could have happened.....egos would get trampled for a few weeks maybe months....but that person would be relaxed......the barks and wagging tails would become predictable.....every human after all has a pattern.....

why should we be diplomatic?

when considerations crosses over the line to calculation.....diplomacy becomes hipocracy in a ball gown.....

would you still dance with Cinderella , if it was her stepsister in disguise?

PAUSE. Re-wind.Play....

Anticipation is a strange emotion. I could even say , that sometimes it is a masochistic emotion. You keep looking forward to what is round the bend rarely realizing that what is around you , is what you were waiting for a while back. You keep trying to run faster to catch that elusive carrot that keeps dangling in front of you, never stopping to think that the gap never closes.
Some people die dreaming of their carrot, some decided to stop very early in the game. I fall somewhere in between. To me the future as I wanted it was startlingly clear, while the present was a blur. I have been chasing the carrot for as long as I can remember.
Marriage brought my mad race to a sudden halt! My pulse is racing with fear, why did I decide to stop now ! I was so close to catching it! run , I order my feet, but they refuse.I can see the carrot disappear in a puff of smoke far ahead. I am disoriented. I have lost my focus and I no longer know what to do. As if awakening from a deep slumber I look around.
Where am I?
Without realizing it , I have catapulted myself into a life of psychedelic colors. The range of emotions I can feel have painted the masterpiece of my life. I am no longer numb. I feel love, laughter, passion, enthusiasm, wickedness, control , care, abandon , boundaries , affection , satisfaction , fatigue , desperation , sorrow , childish enjoyment and much more beyond definition.
Do all the positive and negative balance out and leave me without gaining anything? No. I have never wanted a “happy” life. I have always wanted a “memorable” life and a “rich” one.
If emotions were coins, I would say marriage has given me the Midas touch.
And I wouldn’t trade it for all the carrots in the world…..hmmm maybe if halwa was made ….NO!
Stop. Resume Play.

MARRIAGE

So I am getting married.

Till now the reality of this concept hadn’t sunk in. Till now the major worry amounted to … will it rain on the d’day ( it is an outdoor wedding) …. Will the sadistic H1N1 virus decide to finally leave the venue alone ( the wedding is in Pune) etc.

But Now? I just got down to packing for the actual married life. And unfortunately started with shoes. How many shoes can a girl carry into the “sasural” and not be made fun of? 35? 5? I faced the sad reality that I would have to part with a lot of my treasured possessions.

As I sat there with all my shoes strewn around me on the floor, I finally accepted that my life would be changed forever. And not just on the material plane of shoes, jeans, tops.

But every aspect of life would change.

The thing with ‘family’ which you take for granted is, you can be yourself. After the years you have lived which other, there are no surprises left and you are forced to accept the good and the bad of each other.

No matter how supportive or loving the sasural is, it will be different. You are the alien element; Cast in a different mould from them. And because of no ones fault it becomes a strange situation for everyone concerned. Everyone has to try their best to please. To try and do what is expected rather than what has become natural.

Is this so unbearable, you ask me? Maybe, maybe not. If one is lucky their natural personality will not clash with that of the in-laws. Marriage is after all just another gamble in life.

To me marriage will be a “Bitter-Sweet symphony”

Sweet cause the “Through sickness and health…..” part will come true

And bitter ,as it can’t be “….through bare feet and 35 pairs of shoes…..”

Sigh.

LOVE *

*conditions apply

In an extremely commercialized world where every one is trying to make a quick buck, to pull the wool over other peoples eyes, the "small print" has become an expected thing.In fact "conditions apply" has become a reassuring thing that says to the public"we are cheating you, but we are being upfront about it.so dont worry".So if we see a deal which is too good to be true , and we dont see this small star, we hear warning bells in our head.What are they hiding???

By now you must be wondering if i mis-labled this post.Well...i didn't.

The other day , a heated argument with the other half (yes ! we are human! we fight) had cooled down into sullen silence ... Both of us knew we had said too much , unnecessarily.And we couldn't take it back.

That was when i began to wonder if the promise of unconditional love was dangerous.yes! you heard me right.
Why say , i will love you for for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, come hell or high water.?? And THEN let the poor fellow/felli down by going and doing the exact opposite at the first given opportunity?

Why not say look dude, I will be your best friend , i will support you through everything and you will love me...but *conditions apply...there will be times i will not be myself...there will be times i will be bitchy or unfair or irrational....there will be the times we might not "love" each other (we are not masochists after all)...BUT IT IS OK...because when we bought each other we KNEW what the small print was...But we still went ahead with the sale.Because despite all the faults the product was still too good to be true.

Why should we try to pretend when we advertise??

Why cant there be honesty among cheats???

ON HAVING CHOSEN.......

So,yes i was at crossroads few days back and now i have chosen.And how did i choose?not by trying to figure out which door had the jackpot but impulsively.(true to tradition,always)and guess what a month or so into this new path i have found quite a few small jackpots.

The man i would want to share my life with,a great job opportunity,a smooth transition from an old life into the new and most importantly the chance to be independent.

I have been yearning for quite sometime to test the strength of wings that have lain dormant.I have wanted to know what it felt like to fly around in the exposed sky.It wasn't just the trills but also the dangers that attracted me.I wanted to experience it ,and couldn't wait to be out there.

Now i AM there and i realize that i can never be a bird.In fact i find myself to be a kite.And i am happy to be one.i am happy with the people holding my strings and keeping me anchored to India.It gives me a warm feeling to think that they will be there for me when i am done with my adventure.And though i am happy to be a flying kite now, i know soon i will want to return home.

To all the people who make me call it home.

Crossroads??… I wish!!!

Weird title? Who wishes for crossroads right…well read on if you please.

So there I was.Back in my rut.Not really bored but not really content.I waited for the next change in my life eagerly.You know those old ladies who sit around and blabber , that blabber which years later is called by a new name, proverb? Well next time LISTEN to the blabber. One such blabber that I have never bothered to heed is “be careful what you wish for…you might actually get it.”

So now instead of going straight to the facts and laying out what it is EXACTLY that has troubled me, I {as is habit} will take the abstract route. :D

Right.

So what do you do when you get to cross roads in life? And what do you do when life asks you a more complex question than “what do you do when you get to crossroads in life?”? Ok I know this is a little too abstract even for me.To put it more simply, what if life doesn’t ask you ,do you want to go left or right.But instead your conversation with life goes like

Life:-“So you have been walking this path for sometime now eh?how’s that working out for you”

You:-“hmmm not so bad…not so good…why did you have something else in mind?”

Life:-“Wellll…There IS this Fork coming up ahead on the road.Looks interesting.You might miss it unless you look out for it.”

You:-”thanks for the heads up buddy.I Owe you one”

So whistling you walk along , keeping a keen lookout for this other road.Little did you know that life has a wicked sense of humor.

Suddenly out of the fog you notice a fork in the road. As you turn from your path to look at this new road, the fog clears a little. You realize that this new road Does seem interesting. You are about to decided whether to go ahead or not when you happen to see another path forking out this path. And a little while later another path appears.You stop.Confused.You close your eyes to stop more roads from appearing.

Your task is SO much more difficult now. How do you decide which road to take when all the roads look the same! This suddenly seemed like the “which door has the jackpot?” problem.

Now this is where Life’s cheekiness comes into the picture. IF only you had been left alone to meander down the path, you would not have noticed so many paths and hence would not have known that you were missing out on anything.

Now you could just randomly pick one of these roads and either hit the jackpot or end up with nothing. And If You DO end up with the jackpot {nah….it never ends at the jackpot, but only always at the promise of one …sooo moot point}.And if you end up with nothing you will feel miserable thinking of all the other roads you could have chosen.

Now you could also stay on the same path. But the memory of the other roads with the promise of a jackpot at the end will make this path bitter. So nothing you achieve will be able to compete with the ““what if” I had traveled down one of THOSE golden roads?”

Now believe it or not I am at that junction in my life. Wishing I had never wished for change. Wishing I had Left or right instead of, 10deg 30deg 59deg…oh you get the picture.

Will I decide to stick to the trodden path? OR will I follow one of the other roads hoping it leads to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? I don’t know.

LIFE! I will get back at you for this! You prankster!!

SAR PASS 2008

How many people get to brush their teeth while looking at snow capped mountains? How many people would not notice the mountains and would be lost in the irritation at having to brush with ice cold water?

Confused? So was i.

Let me start where it all began.

I was sick of Bangalore.I was sick of the routine;the rut my life had fallen into.I couldn’t stand taking the same route to work day after day, listening to the same music seeing the same faces.My whole being screamed at anything familiar. That was it! I needed a break! A real one!

I had always wanted to go on a YHAI trek(Youth hostel association of India).This was the best time to get away from it all.Asking around we finally zeroed in on Sar pass as our destination.So the three of us headed out of Bangalore on may 2nd .

From the minute we stepped onto Delhi soil it was new territory for us.Everything was different.Bangalore was already fading in my mind

After catching up with a few friends we boarded the Himachal tourism bus to our base camp.We met up two more guys who were going to the same camp but registering on 3rd may instead of our 4th may. This chance meeting made us change our batches from 4th may to 3rd on reaching Base camp.The trip was mostly uneventful with the highpoint of listening to songs of heart break. We went from wanting to murder the driver to slowly nodding off to the tunes of”Maine tumse pyaar jo kiya, maine tho hein zeher hi piya” etc etc.

On reaching base camp we explored the tiny town of Kasol.It was picturesque and peaceful. And as the guys had enough eye candy we all spent a pleasant time there.

Then with the customary YHAI send off we left to start on our trek.I think it was my first time riding on top of the bus. It was an awesome experience. We had unrestricted view of the surrounding nature with the underlying thrill of danger in the form of electric cables and rock overhangs.I was soaking everything in.Bangalore was far from my mind and my heart rejoiced.

What do I say about the next few days that would do justice to the whole experience?I can just describe the rollercoaster of emotions that we went through.

Initially it was complacency that the trek was not hard enough, which soon changed into groans of “Oh God!when are we reaching higher camp?!”Joy at finding a banner welcoming us to higher camp.Resting in the lap of mother nature.Trying to not get irritated at continuously having to was our lunch boxes and tumblers through the day with icy water.Eating simple delicious food and feeling satisfied.Shivering in sleeping bags while praying for the sun to rise quickly, and at the same time dreading having to walk after a sleepless night.Waking up for natures call and missing the sound of a flush.Packin, lining up and off again.Stopping every now and then to breathe.Getting used to the feel of a walking stick in your twenties. Getting hot maggi and omlets for lunch. Drinkin from cool streams without having to worry about disease. First joyous encounter of snow which would later turn into waiting for the last sight of snow.Making feet,that are used to walk on tarred roads,to walk on slippery snow. Fearing that you would slip with every step and then ironically slipping because you stepped fearfully.Getting bored with constant good weather and hoping for a snow storm and then ACTUALLY getting one.Thinking of sayings like”be careful what you wish for…………”

Trudging in snow for hours.Feeling like the lease on your toes and fingers are going to run out anytime shortly.Having to trek for food water AND loo.

Reaching points of no return where you don’t want to go ahead and you cant go back.Wishing for the familiarity and warmth of home and hearth.Being strong for others , knowing they would be strong for you when you couldn’t be.

The jubilant feeling of having reached the top.The feeling that this walk up memory lane would not be easily forgotten.The jubilation wearing off on realizing that the trek was far from over.

Facing demons that you had rather never face.Not being able to stand up to your fears.Dejection at not being able to conquer something. Spending a restless night in one camp before unexpectedly stumbling into heaven.Banduk tatch , our last higher camp.

It was the perfect end to our tumultuous few days.It was a place where you could come to peace with yourself.Where you could just lose yourself in nature without having to pay a heavy price.Where you could sit for hours without moving a muscle and yet end up feeling like you had traveled the seven seas.
It was at this camp that I finally found peace. I could finally appreciate the ironies of life without a single cynical thought.

As I watched the sun rise on Banduk tatch, the last day of our adventure, I felt changed. A light that had died inside me in the disillusionment that cloaked the city, was relit. It was a beacon I could look at when I got lost on the mundane paths of life and feel happy again. The sun rose up and as I felt the warm rays touch my frozen skin , I knew.

I knew that when I walked again on the dusty corridors of life this would be the memory that I would cherish.Forever.