Conflict

A friend of mine asked me to write about confusion and conflict....At first glance she seems to be going through a phase of conflict due to confusion....Is that truly the case? I think not.Conflict did not arise from confusion in this case.but what happened was that there was conflict in the mind, a war between desires and necessities ; a war between what's right and what's easy ; a war between inner voices....a war....a war between choices.

Now what happens when you realize the conflict is too much for you? What happens when you add 2 + 2 and get 4 when you wanted 6. To put it in a nutshell , What happens when the mind refuses to face reality? It takes the easy way out.It cloaks the core issue with this deceptively innocent thing called confusion.Cause as long as you are confused you have a decent excuse to not do anything. To remain stagnant and hope some external force pushes things one way or the other. As long as you are confused , your conscience rests easy.

Harsh but rings true.Now on one hand this is pardonable. All of us want easy, care free lives, free of responsibility.We like to take the path of least resistance.Why ? Simply because it is the most easy and natural thing to do.We try our best to live in a state of inertia. We tread carefully , making sure that we don't upset the delicate balance of our lives. And if this inertia is upset by something outside our control , well there is that convenient scapegoat...yes destiny. So we adjust until we are comfortable again and begin moving along this new trajectory with an easy mind. It was meant to happen wasn't it?

Now why is this pardonable? Cause control is an illusion. you will never be able to plot your life to the last bit and expect it to work accordingly.So since it is an illusion, why bother right? Wrong...can you rest easy knowing that you didn't try? That you had no hand in trying to shape your life the way you want it? That you sat back in the courtroom waiting for the verdict from the faceless jury, and you didn't even hire your lawyer?Are you comfortable with not having a say?

Now as is the way of the human world, both paths have their own merits and demerits. What you have to decide is who makes a better bed partner? comfort or satisfaction.

What came first?

Yes , what came first?The chicken or the egg.This is a debate that i have never given much thought to.I have always looked at it as an amusing quandary that would never get solved, so why bother.After all who cared. And then in one of my deeper moments i realized it was an extremely important debate.You could draw parallels from it to any situation in life, in fact to life itself. If anyone solved this problem then it would be like untangling the most crucial knot of life.

I personally do not want to know the secrets of life.But i could relate this dilema to my life.Most of my life till now has been spent in passing off everything bad that i have done as a reaction to something else. "This happened to me that is why i did this". This has been the all powerful sentence that soothes the most troublesome of consciences. I have always been able to look at it from a point of view in which i was wronged first. But now that i think of it i wonder. What if the action i was reacting to was actually a reaction to some action of mine? How would i ever know? What right did i have to an easy conscience? How can i ever blame anything on anyone , when deeper thought places the blame back in my court?You might tell me this is as pointless as the chicken and the egg problem. Well pointless or not, it has been extremely liberating.

How?Well ask yourself this.How many times have you held a grudge against a person? more importantly, how many times can u remember the reason later on? Usually we carry a grudge without stopping to think why. The reason being we human beings feed on emotion. Emotion the only thing that tells us we are alive, we are more special than the rock there. Emotion , both negative and positive, makes us feel we have a right to our space on earth.

But today after i thought about cause and effect, i asked myself what need had i for this particular emotion.Did i really need an emotion that overshadowed thought and reason and basic compassion for the fellow human being, to make me feel important? I realized the answer was not important. I would never be able to hold a grudge against someone without giving it second thought. And once second thought sets in you can't really hold a 'mindless' grudge now, can you? Hence I am free, not by much maybe but more than before. And as i learn i realize, the most complex solutions lie in the most ridiculous of situations. I mean com'on "the chicken or the egg ?" not very profound is it?. but "what came first?" yup that unlocks quite a few doors for me.Yes its as simple as that, "What came first?".

SELF PITY

I have stood on that particular verge before, a million times, put up a token protest and then jumped down.Jumped into darkness and have been embraced by it.Felt immeasurably comforted.Have spiraled deep into the darkness that deluded me into believing my problem was unique and hence so was my life.I have plunged happily away from Light.
Light,my enemy.Light that laughed at me and condescendingly showed me that I was a speck.But the soothingly whispered words of darkness had soon drowned the mocking laughter.I have lingered long enough to feel the high of low.
And as always I have been yanked back into light.I haven't fought it.I welcomed Reason and laughed along with Light at the momentary gratification delusion had given me.Yes,I have stood there before.
Today I stood at that verge again.I put up a token protest.I arched over to begin the graceful dive.But today was different.Today I stopped.Today I thought "To hell with Mr.Darkness,let me go climb the hill instead."
If this was fiction i would have been laughed at (theres still a high chance of that).But as it is not,I'll remember today as the day I had to make a choice.A choice between easily got comfort and painfully earned satisfaction.

I was made for the hills,
I was made for the sea,
I was made for solitude,
But silence killed me.

TIME

she runs
over hills, over plains,
through snow, through rains,
she runs.........................
neither to escape, nor in pursuit,
neither to defend, nor to loot,
she runs.........................
neither a warrior, nor a thief,
deaf to wails, blind to grief
she runs.........................
neither to wealth,nor to health,
neither in haste, nor in stealth
she runs.........................
of horrible beauty is her mighty race
great men cower being unable to face,
yet, she runs.........................
trip her, trap her,
catch her, bind her,
try as you might,she runs.........................
oh heartless beauty! why do you run?!
won't you wait till my task is done?
men might cry, but heedlessly she runs.........................
the wise silently watch her way,
the fools try to make her stay.
obliviously she runs.......................
hence folks don't be like everyother person i meet,
care not for the running feet,
cause you might worry and stress over your watch , but remember she runs.........................

my first crush

i thought this poem that i had written about my first crush(long back) would be an ideal start

my first crush
when i turn around and see you there,
i feel something very rare,
i want to tell you that i care,
but all i do is stand and stare...............

my friends think i am a fool,
when i tell them you are cool,
they tell me there are better ones,
but i prefer you to other funs..........

everyday i wait for you,
hoping for a glimpse or two,
i never felt like this before,
i am just not the same girl anymore..........

and then one day i saw you with her,
talking as if the world was a blur,
hot jealousy pierced through me,
when i realized n my first crush was not to be..........

my heart drooped,
my shoulders stooped,
after my first crush failed,
all other joys seemed to have paled..........

on my vehicle,one day,i went to the market,
stood there wondering where to park it,
"may i help you?" drawled a voice rich and lush,
turning around i found my second crush.