Connections vs Relations

The other day , my best friend said to me  " So I guess all the material we uploaded on Orkut is gone?". I did a quick search and found that we could actually download an archive of our Orkut profile. Today I sat and read through some of the scraps left for me by friends and acquaintances more than 8 years ago. I found them funny initially but started getting uncomfortable as I read on. Who was that girl? I couldn't relate to her at all.  What made it worse was the messages seemed deep but I didn't feel any of it. It was like looking at a photo of footprints left on the sand. You know it made an impact but you also know realistically that the imprint was washed away long ago.

But the real relationships I had at that time 8 years ago with family and friends still has a firm grasp on my heart. I do not need a picture to remember them by. These are those relationships where you complete each other's statements which generally go along the line  of " Do you remember that weird trip......"  

The virtual world makes it very easy to connect with very little effort. But the flip-side is that it is equally easy to disconnect. You are not accountable for maintaining those connections. If something doesn't go your way all you have to do is to log off.

Relationships maybe mundane most of the time, might become predictable to the point of boredom. But ultimately this is the bedrock of our life. This is the foundation that holds us steady when things are not going our way. These are the ones that usually have no log-off option.

Today the pillars that hold up our foundation have been thrown to all corners of the Earth. We have to use a virtual platform to stay connected to them. But in doing so are we staying true to the principles that made the relationship so strong in the first place. Or has the mode of communication become a parasitic vine around a strong tree that slowly drains away its life?Are we logging out of relationships too? 

Destiny vs Desire

Whenever I am idle I find that my mind has slipped into one of many repetitive grooves of thought. Almost like the needle of a gramophone clicking in place on to a record. One such sound track on this record is the dilemma between destiny and desire.
I often used to wonder if we are where we are because we are destined or because we desire it. Over the years I have realized that it is human tendency to blame destiny when things go wrong and to claim credit when things go in our favour . But that's neither here nor there. How can life be a combination of such contradictory elements? I put it down to man's need for delusion as a tool for survival. But this doesn't satisfy me.
Lets look at destiny. Our tradition and culture teaches us to believe in it. Astrology,palmistry etc all would have us believe that our futures are written down ,set in stone. I imagine it to be something similar to Brownian theory of particle movement, where particles move due to collision with random particles which are in motion. The destination is then determined by those particles rather than conscious decision.
Desire on the other hand could be comparable to a prince of persia or mario or any other game where you cross hurdles , fight fights, get success and potions and what not. You have complete control over your actions. While I tend to lean towards this train of thought ,it excludes variables and actions of the million other marios and luigis in the same game.
I have come to believe that neither destiny nor desire completes the picture. To continue the analogy life to me is like a game of blind man's buff , where every player is blind. The only thing everyone has is choice. Left or right, forward or backward,stay or go. Our choices determine where we go. The choices of others colour and affect our decisions. Intuition ,luck play a role in determining whether we run into obstacles or walk unhindered.
Life is neither set in stone nor conquered if only one has the will. Life is unpredictable .... so make the choice and move.

when consideration crosses over to calculation.......

As far as I can remember we have been taught to be tactful and diplomatic.I remember parents admonishing us when we used to say something along the lines of "there is too much salt in this dish" at someone else's house.We were always advised to control our tongue and be as polite as could be. bring up honesty? and the response is "what's that got to do with anything??''....We are conditioned to believe that we need to be as nice as possible.Always aim to not hurt the other person. Ofcourse these situations are always with people with whom you needed to maintain the distance of formality. The general convention was that you can blab all you want with ones who are close to you, but shut up with the rest.

Though the basic concept is good, we are humans. and tend to take things to extremes. And thus while trying to follow the above concept we manage to reach the two extremes of taking our close ones for granted and hurting them and putting others on a pedestal and glorifying them.

Now since the people who are close to us generally do the same it works out in the end and every one bounces back.

But the other scenario is slightly more complicated. While it works great on a short term , where you praise the other person and leave him/her feeling an ego boost, while you have lost nothing, and gained his/her goodwill.

But longterm????? can you imagine what would happen? You are diplomatic and you say all the right things.....the other person believes that facade of you.....and responds equally...you believe that facade.....slowly over time the pleasantness starts to wear and tear....the rotten part of your persona wants to come out and snap....you have him on a leash....he tugs and pulls at the leash and you start to lose control....suddenly when you least expect it,he jumps out and barks.... you pull the leash but its too late...the other person has got a glimpse into the real you.....you try and add layers of diplomacy to cover that one stupid bark......try to fool the other person

as this random cycle continues, as it is bound to...over the years....your persona in the other persons eyes becomes a mix of honey and pepper.....of wagging tails and barks and bites.....that person doesn't know what to expect.....so he has to always be on a watch ..... calculate his every word.....and the driving power is not "consideration" any more....but self preservation....

now if only we had stuck to honesty? whats the worst that could have happened.....egos would get trampled for a few weeks maybe months....but that person would be relaxed......the barks and wagging tails would become predictable.....every human after all has a pattern.....

why should we be diplomatic?

when considerations crosses over the line to calculation.....diplomacy becomes hipocracy in a ball gown.....

would you still dance with Cinderella , if it was her stepsister in disguise?

PAUSE. Re-wind.Play....

Anticipation is a strange emotion. I could even say , that sometimes it is a masochistic emotion. You keep looking forward to what is round the bend rarely realizing that what is around you , is what you were waiting for a while back. You keep trying to run faster to catch that elusive carrot that keeps dangling in front of you, never stopping to think that the gap never closes.
Some people die dreaming of their carrot, some decided to stop very early in the game. I fall somewhere in between. To me the future as I wanted it was startlingly clear, while the present was a blur. I have been chasing the carrot for as long as I can remember.
Marriage brought my mad race to a sudden halt! My pulse is racing with fear, why did I decide to stop now ! I was so close to catching it! run , I order my feet, but they refuse.I can see the carrot disappear in a puff of smoke far ahead. I am disoriented. I have lost my focus and I no longer know what to do. As if awakening from a deep slumber I look around.
Where am I?
Without realizing it , I have catapulted myself into a life of psychedelic colors. The range of emotions I can feel have painted the masterpiece of my life. I am no longer numb. I feel love, laughter, passion, enthusiasm, wickedness, control , care, abandon , boundaries , affection , satisfaction , fatigue , desperation , sorrow , childish enjoyment and much more beyond definition.
Do all the positive and negative balance out and leave me without gaining anything? No. I have never wanted a “happy” life. I have always wanted a “memorable” life and a “rich” one.
If emotions were coins, I would say marriage has given me the Midas touch.
And I wouldn’t trade it for all the carrots in the world…..hmmm maybe if halwa was made ….NO!
Stop. Resume Play.

MARRIAGE

So I am getting married.

Till now the reality of this concept hadn’t sunk in. Till now the major worry amounted to … will it rain on the d’day ( it is an outdoor wedding) …. Will the sadistic H1N1 virus decide to finally leave the venue alone ( the wedding is in Pune) etc.

But Now? I just got down to packing for the actual married life. And unfortunately started with shoes. How many shoes can a girl carry into the “sasural” and not be made fun of? 35? 5? I faced the sad reality that I would have to part with a lot of my treasured possessions.

As I sat there with all my shoes strewn around me on the floor, I finally accepted that my life would be changed forever. And not just on the material plane of shoes, jeans, tops.

But every aspect of life would change.

The thing with ‘family’ which you take for granted is, you can be yourself. After the years you have lived which other, there are no surprises left and you are forced to accept the good and the bad of each other.

No matter how supportive or loving the sasural is, it will be different. You are the alien element; Cast in a different mould from them. And because of no ones fault it becomes a strange situation for everyone concerned. Everyone has to try their best to please. To try and do what is expected rather than what has become natural.

Is this so unbearable, you ask me? Maybe, maybe not. If one is lucky their natural personality will not clash with that of the in-laws. Marriage is after all just another gamble in life.

To me marriage will be a “Bitter-Sweet symphony”

Sweet cause the “Through sickness and health…..” part will come true

And bitter ,as it can’t be “….through bare feet and 35 pairs of shoes…..”

Sigh.

LOVE *

*conditions apply

In an extremely commercialized world where every one is trying to make a quick buck, to pull the wool over other peoples eyes, the "small print" has become an expected thing.In fact "conditions apply" has become a reassuring thing that says to the public"we are cheating you, but we are being upfront about it.so dont worry".So if we see a deal which is too good to be true , and we dont see this small star, we hear warning bells in our head.What are they hiding???

By now you must be wondering if i mis-labled this post.Well...i didn't.

The other day , a heated argument with the other half (yes ! we are human! we fight) had cooled down into sullen silence ... Both of us knew we had said too much , unnecessarily.And we couldn't take it back.

That was when i began to wonder if the promise of unconditional love was dangerous.yes! you heard me right.
Why say , i will love you for for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, come hell or high water.?? And THEN let the poor fellow/felli down by going and doing the exact opposite at the first given opportunity?

Why not say look dude, I will be your best friend , i will support you through everything and you will love me...but *conditions apply...there will be times i will not be myself...there will be times i will be bitchy or unfair or irrational....there will be the times we might not "love" each other (we are not masochists after all)...BUT IT IS OK...because when we bought each other we KNEW what the small print was...But we still went ahead with the sale.Because despite all the faults the product was still too good to be true.

Why should we try to pretend when we advertise??

Why cant there be honesty among cheats???

ON HAVING CHOSEN.......

So,yes i was at crossroads few days back and now i have chosen.And how did i choose?not by trying to figure out which door had the jackpot but impulsively.(true to tradition,always)and guess what a month or so into this new path i have found quite a few small jackpots.

The man i would want to share my life with,a great job opportunity,a smooth transition from an old life into the new and most importantly the chance to be independent.

I have been yearning for quite sometime to test the strength of wings that have lain dormant.I have wanted to know what it felt like to fly around in the exposed sky.It wasn't just the trills but also the dangers that attracted me.I wanted to experience it ,and couldn't wait to be out there.

Now i AM there and i realize that i can never be a bird.In fact i find myself to be a kite.And i am happy to be one.i am happy with the people holding my strings and keeping me anchored to India.It gives me a warm feeling to think that they will be there for me when i am done with my adventure.And though i am happy to be a flying kite now, i know soon i will want to return home.

To all the people who make me call it home.